the sh*t you write

i suppose this entry should be titles "the sh*t i write" as i have just read some of my entries dating as far back as 2004. i had totally forgotten the following:

1) i was capable of (and probably still am but no longer to feel the need to be) a big slut

2) i used to feel self-conscious for having freshly dyed pink hair. my actual words were "day-glo"

3) i'm really funny. i mean, i'm really funny.

4) how nice is was to live at home even though it drove me nuts. i'm still very happy that i moved out.

i'm glad i looked at those old posts. i definitely needed the laugh after a day of emotional turmoil. the waters have calmed and the boy now sees my point of view as i do his. no major earth shaking changes will happen but some changes will happen and hopefully things get better.

what's the use in trying?

that is pretty much i've been wondering since approximately 2:15am last night. i woke up multiple times in the middle of the night, angry and in want of a screaming match but i'm happy the screaming match didn't happen because i'm quite positive that i would have been spitting venom if it had. as i have just decided that i have better things to do today than feel irritated and upset, i'm going to get on with the rest of the day.

as i lay awake

for some reason i've been waking up multiple times in the middle of the night for the past couple of weeks. not really sure what it is but it's starting to really irritate me. it's not that i'm tired in the morning (because surprisingly, i'm not) but it's lying there in my bed WIDE AWAKE at three in the morning wondering if i will fall back asleep or if i'll just be awake from then on. i've stopped drinking caffeinated beverages after around seven o'clock and i've started a bedtime routine of reading before turning out the light. maybe i need to start putting ear plugs in again. my roommate goes to bed before i do so i don't see her making any loud sleep disrupting noises in the living room but maybe it's people out on the street. euclid is the only one way north for a couple of streets and a lot of cars like using it instead of bathurst. maybe they are the reason why i'm waking up at night.

stress & security

these two things don't really go together for me unless you're talking about my financial status. money in the bank? yes. money tucked away in a pretty little box? yes. CONSUMER DEBT? yes. bah. my glimmer of hope? a busy holiday season kicking up starting in probably a week or two. i make it sound so much worse than it really is. all i want is to be debt free come the end of the year. it shouldn't be all that hard if what people at work say about the holiday tips is true. i've decided that the money tucked away in the pretty box will be spent in nyc. the original plan was to spend it on a brand-spanking-new laptop but i may buy one in nyc so it'll all still work out.

now the real reason why i'm stressed:___________?? i don't really know. i have a bad habit of hunching up my shoulders for some reason and it makes them really tense when i do relax them. it's probably because i haven't gone for a massage in so long. maybe i'll go to sugar moon and get a massage, my brows done, and a facial. i've never had a facial but the last time i was at sugar moon, paola recommended one for me. hopefully that will alleviate some of my unexplainable stress.

as for the security, i feel very safe but i am wondering why my neighbours to the north have a security camera outside of their front door. when i lived at my mom's, there was a house a few blocks over with burglar bars on the living room bay window and two cameras pointed at their front door. i would walk by on the way home and sometimes on recycling day, their blue bin was full of empty captain morgan's rum mickies and two litre bottles of coke. i always thought it was weird but didn't really thing anything of it until the papers reported that it was head quarters for a prostitution ring rang by the couple that lived there. strange things happen in quiet neighbourhoods. i really hope my neighbours aren't running a prostitution ring.

colder than i want to be

...in a couple of ways:

1) my apartment is very cold and i'm wearing my first pair of knee socks this season.
2) i am somewhat incapable of expressing my emotions thus making me appear like a cold hearted bitch.

on number one, my hands are a bit cold making typing a bit more difficult than it normally is. i've been reading a book on super nutrition for women and it says that you can be cold because your diet is deficient in certain vitamins and minerals. or it could just be that my landlords really don't have any idea how to heat their house properly. the girls that lived here before us said that the place has good climate control but this summer was a bit trying and this prelude to winter doesn't look all that promising either.

on number two, i've become better at being less detached but i'm sure i still seem distant to some people. i'm going to chalk it up to my upbringing as my entire family is very unemotional. well, not my generation but all the adults. very little hugging and screaming but lots of laughter. it's not all bad.

"if you get yourself a good lawyer..."

was the words a man across the bar said to me today during my shift in regards to what he viewed as harassment by one of my more "less diplomatic" co-workers. i suppose if i really wanted to i could, but i don't so i won't. the temporary and sometimes amusing grief is something i can deal with at the moment and if the arrangement ever goes sours, i'll always know that i'll just need to get a good lawyer.

the urge always returns after a long hiatus

well here i am putting an entry into a blog that i haven't used since 2006. there was a stint on myspace but then facebook took over the world and i left the blogging world for quite some time. the urge to start again came back when i stumbled upon mimi's blog at livejournal. i think that blog was supposed to be a secret so i've stayed away from it since.

since my last blog in this site, i've started two new jobs, lost one of them, moved in with jen again, opened a "grown up" savings account, made and broken many brilliant plans and now i'm pacing my spending so i can go back to school in 2009. whether i go back for event planning or real estate is a decision that will come at a later time. oh, and i now have a lovely boyfriend named gareth. which reminds me, i still have to go to the market to pick up some lamb for dinner.

upcoming events:
1) nyc with mimi from november 29th to december 4th.
2) christmas!! i love wrapping presents!
3) some place warm and sunny in february with mimi and whoever else cares to join us/can afford to go at the same time as us.

other not so exciting events:
1) i have to schedule a routine cleaning with my dentist
2) i need to rearrange my bedroom furniture to optimize floor space (an event i've been planning for months)
3) i need to buy birthday presents for many people and i have no idea what to get them.

i now must go and check on my duck congee that's simmering on the stove. till the next post...