almost, but not quite

So I did some of the things on my to-do list but not all and not all of them were done by the end of last week. I spent today moving furniture around in my bedroom, but I still have more work to do. My bed is wider than I thought. Here's an update on that list.

Replace all the burnt out light bulbs in the apartment.
I replaced all the lights in the living room and the bathroom last week only to discover that this week, two lights in the hallway have blown out. So now I have to go out an buy more bulbs and wait for someone tall to come over and coerce them to change the burnt out bulbs.

I'm actually happy that the hallway bulbs have blown because now I can replace them with energy efficient ones. I also need to get an appliance bulb for the fridge.

Rearrange bedroom furniture.
Almost there. I'm a little dismayed that my bed didn't fit where I want it to be. Now I have to move two more book shelves and a dresser. I am in desparate need of a new dresser. The one I have is actually part of a bedroom set that Irene and Eliza had when they were little girls. It was originally an orangy-yellow colour and I painted it black. The rails are now slivering, making opening and closing the drawers very difficult. MUST GET NEW DRESSER!! I may also need another bookshelf depending on how many more books I acquire. I love that I have almost an entire bookshelf for my food-related books =)

Meet up with Brent for some long over due drinks.
Done. Two pints of cider and some good laughing until my stomach hurt.

Dinner with my lovely cousins.
Sushi on Bloor. Delish. Too bad I didn't make it out for the weekend visit with baby Emmeline because I was sick all weekend.

Get back into a gym routine.
Maybe next week...

At least I play volleyball every Thursday.

Clean the fridge.
I cleaned out the fridge of food that was going bad but I didn't actually pull everything out and wipe down the shelving. I think I'll tackle that on Sunday.

Buy materials for DIY Christmas presents.
I already have some materials for my presents but I'm not sure if I'm going to stick with my original plan. Must decide on that and get things sorted out before crazy final exams week hits.

Set up computer desk for actually work rather than just miscellaneous storage.
No dice. More crap has been piled onto it. I'll work on that at some point. It doesn't really help that I've grown accustomed to doing homework in the kitchen. It just makes more sense considering that my computer desk is in the living room and the T.V. is a big reason to procrastinate.

Pack away summer clothing for the winter.
Done. Summer dresses are inside a suitcase until the warm weather returns. I'm so sad that they're not hanging in my closet right now.

Buy a paper shredder and finally get rid of all the banking statements/credit card applications/school documents that are nothing but garbage.
I'm a little scared of the paper shredder. Handy but a bit frightening at the same time.

I'm going to say that I accomplished about 6/10 on that list. More than I thought I would get done. Tomorrow is a full day of school and then a full night of work. Time to sleep.

sickies

I am currently experiencing my second bout of sniffles in the past three months or so. I was talking to Gareth about this yesterday and he said that my immune system will begin to weaken as I get older. Now, I've heard of one's metabolism slowing with age but I don't recall that one's immune system would weaken. I guess it makes sense considering that really old people are susceptible to illness but I am not even a quarter century old yet.

I don't get sick from my roommate or from my boyfriend or from other family members. Jen and Gareth's germs are more or less harmless to me as I'm around them all the time. I think I get sniffles because I have problems with staying at a comfortable temperature at night during the summer/fall change over. I wake up in the middle of the night chilly because I've thrown all the sheets off. I'm told that my body gets extremely warm when I'm asleep so that may be why. I don't feel it when I'm just lying in bed but I guess when I'm all under the covers and sleeping, even I can't stand that I've heated up to over 104 degrees.

Things I've accomplished so far this week:

1. Met Brent for drinks (Yay!! We finally met for drinks after months of trying)
2. I changed two out of four light bulbs. I need to buy an appliance bulb for the fridge and I'm going to change the one in the bathroom when I'm done this entry.
3. I empty the fridge of things no longer edible.
4. I went to Kitchen Stuff Plus and got a spice rack, a paper towel holder, and a honing stone. Kitchen Stuff Plus wasn't on my original list but I've been meaning to go for a long time and I was near one yesterday.

I will go to the Grand & Toy across the street from work and get a paper shredder. I've been warned by Irene not to go shredder happy but I only intend on shredding things I know I don't need. I've kept all my credit card and banking statements but I have a ton of other random pieces of mail with my account numbers and address on. Mostly offers for more credit cards and those lottery offers. I'm too paranoid to just chuck them in the recycling. If I had a fireplace, I would burn them but alas, not fireplace. Maybe I'll compost the untreated paper once I shred it.

a late start

So day one of getting stuff done has had a late start. I wanted to get up and go get my G1 testing done but since I didn't go to bed until the wee hours of the morning, I slept until 2:00pm today. I will go get G1 testing done some other time this week. As for today, I will make soup with some left over roast beef, go get light bulbs, buy a paper shredder, and (hopefully) meet Brent for drinks. He has a habit of not showing up or cancelling last minute. If he does cancel/doesn't show up, I'll still go to the place we planned on meeting because Jason works there and I haven't seen him in ages either.

I now have to go and buy some ingredients for my soup.

I like that I've posted two days in a row =)

a week to recover

It's intermission week at George Brown and in theory, I now have a week to recover from week 6 as it was rammed with mid-terms. Unfortunately for me, I have a heavier schedule than usual at work because a few people booked off some time. I wanted to use this week to meet up with people I haven't seen in a while and a cousin from out of province is visiting so I thought this week would have been perfect, but alas, no dice. I'm just going to try an cram all that stuff in anyway.

Things to do this week:

1. Replace all the burnt out light bulbs in the apartment.
2. Rearrange bedroom furniture
3. Meet up with Brent for some long over due drinks
4. Dinner with my lovely cousins
5. Get back into a gym routine
6. Clean the fridge
7. Buy materials for DIY Christmas presents
8. Set up computer desk for actually work rather than just miscellaneous storage
9. Pack away summer clothing for the winter
10. Buy a paper shredder and finally get rid of all the banking statements/credit card applications/school documents that are nothing but garbage.

Not all of those things are dire but I would feel great if I got everything accomplished on the above list. In order to get back onto a regular blogging routine, I will update on the progress on this list everyday for the next week. But I wouldn't put money on it.

the countdown

I haven't really started a countdown yet but I suppose I should. I'm sitting on the porch of the log cabin at Duff's and I'm rather relaxed and don't really want to think about what the fall will bring.

I didn't get around to rearranging my bedroom and I'm not beating myself up over it. That can wait. Really, it's been waiting for over a year so what's another few weeks? I need to do some back-to-school shopping because I no longer have a massive supply of three-ringed lined paper in my closet (my parents were nuts when it came to stock piling things that were on sale) and I also need (translate: want) new clothes for the fall. My summer wardrobe consists of twenty some odd sun dresses and those won't do in George Brown because the air conditioning in there is cranked to the max. Not very green of them.

I do look forward to being busy and having a happy roommate. She has clinched a new job at Chatelaine and I'm sure she'll be much happier there and do very well. Maybe we'll go back-to-school/new-job shopping together as I'm sure she'll want to get some more clothing too. I have tons of office clothing left over from my last job but nothing that I really want to go to classes in. Banana Republic power suits are a little too much for college English. But I really don't want to be a student that shows up every day in Lululemon pants. C'mon ladies, yes, those are expensive pants but you can and should try to look a little more professional than that. It is just class but there are a lot of people in that building that can help you build your career.

My boyfriend is moving a tool shed. The plan was to do nothing but lay around on the dock and go for the occasional swim but he got roped into doing some rather hard looking physical labour. He how has a sledge hammer in his hands. I'm not really sure why they're moving a tool shed with just two people. Would it not be easier to get some machinery in here to haul it up the slight hill it's on? I've worked my way up to painting one of the cottages, prepping dinners, and doing the dishses. There will be no heavy lifting/pulling/pushing on my part. In fact, I think it's time for me to attempted another crossword puzzle.

under pressure

So school starts for real on Tuesday, September 2nd. I say "for real" because this time I'm really going as a full-time student rather than just part-time classes here and there. I'm excited to get back to class and finally earn my post secondary diploma (maybe a degree) because it's long overdue. I got sucked into working right after high school and while I had fun and learned a lot working in restaurants, I really should have gone back to school a lot sooner than now. Regardless, I'm happy to be going now. Although it would have been nice for classes to start the second week of September instead of right after Labour Day.

So here comes the pressure. I don't know how intense my course load will be but I want to keep full-time hours at work. I probably won't be spending as much money as I do right now because I won't have as much free time to to spend it but I'm a little concerned if that will be enough to offset my income if I do have to cut back on hours at work.

Time isn't on my side either. I feel like I have so much stuff to get done before school starts. I really want to get my furniture rearranged and I need a new dresser and maybe a new book shelf and my room desperately needs a good cleaning. All of this wouldn't be a problem if I was such a procrastinator and just tidied my room every now and then instead of letting become a total disaster area. I'm on vacation for the last two weeks of August so I essentially want to get everything done this week.

Now onto another type of pressure: my wisdom teeth. My lower right tooth is starting to grow out more and because it's impacted, it is pushing on the rest of my teeth. It now hurts to yawn and there is discomfort when I bite down. I was due for a routine cleaning about a month ago so it's just another thing I'm putting off. Hopefully I can get an appointment before the end of the week and get my name on the surgery list to get my wisdom teeth taken care of. My cousin recently got two removed but I have to get ALL FOUR yanked. Not looking forward to it.

I did get my eyes checked last week so at least there's one thing I can scratch off of my long overdue to-do list. Now on with the rest of it. *sigh*

so tired

My next day off is next Sunday and I've been working everyday since this past Monday. Granted that some of my exhaustion comes from things outside of work but still, I'm so tired of working right now. It would be nice if it rained on Thursday so I wouldn't be called in but at the same time, I really don't want it to rain if I have the day off.

Now I'm going to wash oysters, attend shucking boot camp, work a closing shift, and then bake cupcakes when I get home. I suppose I should go have lunch before all that starts.

My brain hurts.

too many?

How many black dresses do you need to own before you have too many? I just did a load of laundry and I was somewhat astounded when I pulled out four black dresses. I then decided to take a tally of how many more black dresses I had and I thought that I only had one more. Then I went to hang the dresses to dry and saw another one that I had forgotten to count, bringing the total to five. Then I remembered that I have another (more formal) black dress hanging in my closet, bringing the total up to six. If every woman is supposed to have at least one little black dress in her wardrobe, I guess I'm well covered.

Now, this only means one thing: must buy more dresses in different COLOURS to balance out all the black. =)

Comfort In a Bowl

Ice cream. Chocolate. Meatloaf. Cookies. Pudding. Peanut butter. Mashed potatoes. Not my ideas of comfort food.

Whenever I feel ill (emotionally or physically), I always go for a bowl of soup and noodles or congee. I guess it all depends with what you grow up with. My parents and brothers don't have very much of a sweet tooth so there wasn't a lot sugary stuff in the house. Unfortunately for me, I do have a very big sweet tooth but that's another entry.

Whenever I got sick as a child , my mother would make a small pot of congee for me for dinner while everyone else ate normally. The congee was always very thick and had little bits of pork in it. I suppose she made it very thick so that I would still get some food in me instead of me just eating a big bowl of rice water. I always knew if someone else in the house was sick if there was a small pot of congee on the stove. If it wasn't full of congee, it was full of a pungent black medicinal tea and that meant that someone had or was on the verge of having a cold. There was no comfort in that nasty tasting tea.

Soup and noodles is comfort food because my mom would make a big pot of it almost every weekend and that was what we would have for lunch on the weekends. Leftovers were for after school snacks. The comfort of that came from the routine of it and also because my mom would also make soup and noodles whenever she was stressed and too busy to make our regular dinners. I need to spend some time in the kitchen with her to learn the recipes. I've been able to pull off some of the stuff she makes but not as tasty. Perhaps it's because food generally tastes better when someone else has done the work in preparing it for you and because they made it for you because they love you.

I went for a bowl of congee today because I was feeling a bit low. The congee made me feel better but since congee is piping hot and not cool and creamy, like ice cream, I burnt the roof of my mouth. Boo-ers!

Now as far as mashed potatoes and meatloaf go, it just goes to show it all depends on what you grew up with. I don't remember my parents ever making mashed potatoes outside of our time at the C.V.M. Café in Carberry and even then it was from instant mix. When we got an order for a plate with mashed potatoes, my dad would send me to get a little juice glass of homo milk. I thought it was the oddest thing and I kinda still do. The only time I ever encounter mashed potatoes at a family dinner is on holidays and only at Uncle Dave or Jim's place. A couple of my cousins LOVE potoates. I don't get it.

Meatloaf just grosses me out. Meat shouldn't be in loaf form - ever!

I'm afraid of 8 out of 72 common fears

[] the dark
[] staying single forever
[] being a parent
[] giving birth
[] being myself in front of others
[] open spaces
[] closed spaces
[] heights
[x] dogs - large breeds
[x] birds - just pigeons
[] fish
[] spiders
[] flowers or other plants

Total so far: 2

[] being touched
[] fire
[] deep water
[] snakes
[] silk
[] the ocean
[x] failure
[] success
[] thunder/lightning
[] frogs/toads
[] my boyfriend's/girlfriend's dad
[] boyfriend's/girlfriend's mom
[x] rats - gross
[] jumping from high places
[] snow

Total so far: 4

[] rain
[] wind
[] crossing hanging bridges
[] death
[] heaven
[] being robbed
[] falling
[] clowns
[] dolls
[] large crowds of people
[] men
[] women
[] having great responsibilities
[] doctors, including dentists
[] tornadoes

Total so far: 4

[] hurricanes
[] incurable diseases
[] sharks
[] Friday the 13th
[] ghosts
[] poverty
[] Halloween
[] school
[] trains
[] odd numbers
[] even numbers
[] being alone
[] becoming blind
[] becoming deaf
[] growing up

Total so far: 4

[] creepy noises in the night
[] bee stings
[] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[] needles
[] blood
[] dinosaurs
[] the welcome mat
[] high speed
[] throwing up
[] falling in love
[] super secrets

Final Total: 8

.. if you wish to post this in your journal, it's been requested that you title it "I'm afraid of __ out of 72 common fears."

If you get more than 30, I strongly recommend some counseling.
If you get more than 20, you’re paranoid.
If you get 10-20, you are normal.
If you get 10 or less, you’re fearless.
People who don’t have any are liars.

not sure what to do

I'm sitting at the computer with my red apron on and i'm waiting for chocolate to harden and frosting to stiffen which leaves me with some time to ponder.

I keep stressing myself out by thinking about what to do with my future. Such a dreaded word. I thought I had it all planned out to go to class for Special Events and Destination Tourism in either January or September of 2009. Now I've thrown Fitness and Lifestyle Management into the mix and I'm really not sure what to do. I love the special events part of the hospitality industry but I think I'm getting tired of it all. Maybe it's because I'm serving again and I feel like all my skills are being wasted and, in affect, disappearing from me. I know I'll keep working as a server because there really isn't another job out there, that I'm willing to do, that will provide the same amount of cash while I'm in classes.

I think my problem is that when I get inspired by something, I go into my fantasy world and say to myself, "THAT is what I'm going to do with my life!" Seeing Janet's improv shows, wine tastings, vacationing and picking up bits and pieces of foreign languages. All of a sudden I want to be a wine guru that speaks Spanish and occasionally dabbles in improv. Not to say that I can't do all of those things but what I guess I'm getting at is that I need to focus on something and stick to it.

Now that all that's off my chest, time to get back to cupcakes.

back on the (fitness) wagon

I go through phases of being super healthy and then, well, simply put, not healthy. I started to put stickers on my calendar for every day that I went to the gym or did something very active. April and half of May have at least three to four stickers per week but the second half of May and thus far in June, until today, have zero stickers.

I finally went back to Fitness One today and took my time going through and trying all of the machines. I have a personal training session booked for Friday so hopefully that will be me more familiar with the equipment so I won't have to walk around reading all of the labels on them to see if I actually want to use them or not. While most of the machines are fine, all the leg extension machines are not very comfortable for me. The seats/pads do adjust but I find that they're just not really where they should be on my body and I don't want to cheat and end up hurting myself.

I am looking forward to getting back to the gym more. I think I fell off because I stepped on the scale one day and recalculated my BMI and it was at 23.5, which is healthy. I don't really care to lose anymore weight as I know I probably won't because muscle weighs more than fat. I would like to be stronger. Maybe I'll try out some boxing classes. Who knows? Maybe I'll just fall off the wagon again. I hope not but I've come to accept that it takes me many tries to get things done.

my hair needs to grow

so about three months ago i cut my hair because i was long due for a change and know i just want my hair to grow out already. i also recently got more bangs trimmed in and i also need those to grow out too. it's not quite long enough to put into an up-do, it's just too short for a pony tail to fall nicely (there are bits and ends that stick out straight rather than fall into a nice curve), there isn't a layer long enough to wrap around the base of my pony tail to cover up the elastic, and i'm just a little tired of wearing it down all the time without the option of doing anything else with it.

that's all i wanted to say.

happy dance

courtesy of the government of canada. well, i'm not literally doing a happy dance but it was still a nice unexpected surprise. i thought that i stopped getting a gst credit because i used to get cheques every four months or so but i received nothing this year. maybe it's because i just filed my taxes for 2006 and 2007 this year. regardless, i am up a bit of cash that will help me pay off my commercial debt. stupid shopping.

why don't they just do that at home?

there are a few women at the gym who don't use any of the equipment there. all they do is get changed in the locker room, go to the stretching area, and do random yoga poses. none of them do any of the poses in a sequence that makes sense. they do not lift weights. they do not run. they do not bike. they just stay in the stretching area.

the stretching area is just a carpeted space that is probably 8 feet by 8 feet. do they not have 8 feet by 8 feet of carpeted space in their homes? they don't even use all 64 square feet of the area. they just stay mostly on the yoga mat.

so why don't they just do that at home? why do they pay $50/month to go to a gym and not use ANY of the equipment? i don't comprehend.

steady as she goes

i've decided that this year i am finally going to run the cibc run for the cure. after three years of registering for the race and not actually running it, it's time to go for it. since coming back from mexico, i've been going to the gym regularly mostly because i realized i was throwing away money by paying for a membership that i wasn't using. it didn't hurt that i had a slew of personal training sessions that i had paid for but hadn't used yet either.

i did a lot of cross country running as a kid in carberry but i didn't keep it up after moving back to toronto. the whole team sports thing took over and running along didn't seem nearly as appealing. i remember being able to run 4km in about 20 minutes so i'm hoping to be able to run 5km in 30 minutes come october. i'm slowing adding minutes to my run on the treadmill at the gym but i know it's different running outside on concrete. i hope my knee can handle it.

i'm starting to play volleyball again, which i'm SUPER excited about, and it feels so good be on the court again. i would love to work on my hitting but if there are two guys on the team that are both a good 8 inches taller than me, maybe i'll leave the hitting up to them and work on my setting.

i really don't feel like going to the gym right now but i've started putting little heart stickers on my calendar for every day i go. i haven't set up a "reward system" for myself with said stickers yet but i'm thinking something along the lines of "12 stickers in 14 days and get can buy a new purse/pair of shoes/dress/etc..." i will report back after i get to 12 stickers.

i don´t want to go home, dammit!

tomorrow is my last full day in mexico. i wish i could extend my stay but alas, that is not meant to be. i have purchased more things than i had anticipated so later tonight i must play a game of tetris with my suitcase. i hope nothing breaks or gets crushed on the way back.

i am brown. very, very brown. my nose is a little red but for the most part, my minor sun burn has healed and now i´m just nicely toasted all over. well, not ALL over as i did not do any nude sun bathing.

the ocean kicked my ass. the waves are unusually high and we haven´t been able to swim in the ocean for the past three days so it´s all been pool swimming. when we were allowed to swim in the pacific, the tide keep pushing and pulling me about and throwing me into the beach. it isn´t so bad except that the sand is really rough and it feels like i´m getting slammed into sand paper. and you also end up with a bikini bottom full of sand. and let me tell you, it´s the best feeling ever!! NOT!!! but i still want to swim in the ocean one last time before leaving. even if it means i´ll be taking some mexican sand home with me. i also discovered that boogie boarding is harder than it looks and it can also cause some physically pain meaning that the boogie board kicked my ass too.

no more mexican "food babies" after tomorrow =( i keep stuffing myself with way more food than i need. some of the desserts are funny textured but i suppose that´s a good thing because it keeps me from eating them. the girls i am with will be heading in town very soon and we will be stuffing our faces with some super duper delicious tacos. $2.50 for 5 tacos!! and the ice cream palour in town is so yummy. if i could bring back ice cream bars for everyone, i would.

now i must plan my next trip. i think i´m going to take my mama to boston...we´ll see...

now, if everyone could please do a little weather dance of some sort and make sure that it´s nice and clear when i get back, it would be greatly appreciated!! =)

one more before i go

teddy and mimi should be at my door in about 20 minutes and i'm wolfing down some bbq duck and rice. i am going to sleep extremely well on the plane because
a) i didn't get much sleep last night
b) i played two really fun games of volleyball and i'm physically tired
c) i sleep really well on moving vehicles (i'll probably fall asleep on the ride to the airport)
d) b-rad let me borrow his ipod so i'm going to zone out to his chill-out tunes

i've been requested to bring back a sombrero, tequila, a mask, and a picture of mimi with a sexy man with one of his nuts hanging out of his speedo. i'm also going to try and load up on jewelry because i don't have that much and i hear it's cheap in mexico.

really excited now!!! i hope there aren't any smelly people near me on the plane and that it's really empty. it would be lovely to have a row of seats to myself.

see you all in a week!! =) and don't be surprised if i'm super tanned.

and they all put me back together again

i spent fours days being sadder than i ever thought i could be. but more importantly, for four days a bunch of people let me cry, listened to me, offered advice, and helped me not be sad anymore. i cried a couple of times in the last two days but it was because i received notes and messages from people who really care about me. a poem from mimi, a hug from jen, a note from john, a squeeze of the shoulder from eamon/mike/holiday, multiple girl chat sessions with lauren. alex answered the phone and let me cry even though we hadn't spoken or seen each other in nearly a year. mutual friends that listened to both sides of the story and didn't take sides. just simple gestures that let me know that things get better and there are people there to lean on when needed.

the last few notes were therapeutic. putting what i felt on paper(screen) helped me cope with the overwhelming emotion. the sting is gone. things don't make me sad anymore. they just remind me of happy times and funny things and they make smile. how boring would it be in things were just things with no sentiment?

i still get a bit teary eyed thinking about the nice notes that i received but that's a good thing. the kitchen staff said "welcome back wanda" after i walked yesterday and just started yelling nonsense. apparently that's how you can tell i'm out of a funk - i become overly imposing and loud.

so thank you to all of my friends that took the time to check up on me. you have no idea how much it means to me. you are amazing and i love each and every one of you.

not so brave anymore

yesterday was filled with sporadic episodes of crying at work. people there know now but it doesn't really help because they all look at me with sad eyes and it just makes me want to cry more. i just want someone to hold me and rock me in a corner and let me cry until i can't cry anymore.

i can be fixed

the queen street fire has been put out and residents have been allowed back to the ruins. i walked by it twice yesterday and both times the feeling i got was the same feeling i got when looking over ground zero in new york. this pictures make me realize that i am lucky and there really isn't anything that can't be repaired in my world.

time will help. talking about it helps a lot too. i finally told some people at work and lauren and i went for drinks and girl talk after work last night. i'm waiting for the sadness to go away and for the anger and acceptance to come. i talked to eliza just now and she didn't tell me to "get well soon" because she knows it will take longer than i want it to.

i didn't cry before falling asleep yesterday. maybe it was the guiness. i ate a random mish mash of food at work yesterday to lay down a liner for drinking and i ended up waking up with stomach pains and grumblings all throughout the night. still, it wasn't a bad night.

i uploaded pictures from the last night gareth and i were out with some friends. he probably will be annoyed that i posted them because we're very much a couple in those pictures still but i don't care. i needed to get them off of my camera and i wanted to posted them. i guess i just needed to know that we were together and happy and the entire facebook world needs to know that too. it was good therapy just to get them posted. blogging is really good therapy right now too.

i think i'm getting happier again. i'm not crying so that must mean i'm getting happier. even if that's not true, i'll keep telling myself that until it is.

the tears are drying

the sinking feeling in my stomach hasn't gone away yet but the tears are starting to try up. we're taking a break right now but from the way it sounds, the break will probably be indefinite. who knows, it's anyone's guess.

tat and peter broke up for a short while because peter was going through some stuff so that may be what gareth is going through right now. may be we will get back together after he settles in. i don't know if i should be holding my breath or not. the thought of dating and actively looking again makes me a bit ill. maybe that's just because i'm still reeling a bit from the past few days.

i cried a little bit before taking a shower today and bit last night before falling asleep. maybe a few more days and i'll be back to my optimistic self. work is a bit hard right now because i haven't told anyone what's going on and every body's joking around normally and it's hard to laugh and smile with them.

my bed feels really empty. i got it when we were already dating so there was always a "my half" and a "your half". i'm taking his things back to him on sunday. a few t-shirts. a couple of books. a toothbrush. the little things that are around that shows that you're in a relationship. those will all be gone on sunday.

how do i get rid of the feelings that linger? if only those could be easily put in a bag and returned. but i can't really return them to him after all, they're my feelings, not his. he doesn't have the same feelings as i do. he doesn't feel heart broken. i hope he feels sad that it's ending. i hope he understands how horrible i feel. i hope he has fond memories. i hope the hurt will go away soon so i can smile without having to force it.

i want him to fill the emptiness i'm feeling. i want that emptiness to go away.

bland foods taste good right now

the past three days or so have been rather shitty. i'm fighting with my boyfriend who i actually don't know is still my boyfriend or not. i was trying on dresses to go to a wedding with him and then i called to talk some stuff out. that wedding can probably be crossed of my calendar of events as it's his friend that's getting married.

i have no idea what went wrong and when. i'm trying to be calm but the stretches of calm are being interrupted with tears. i've found a strange comfort in sleeping as close to the wall as possible. maybe it's because having a few pillows propped up it makes me feel as though someone is there offering comfort. it's hard right now.

people at work are sensing that something is wrong. even acquaintances have inquired. maybe my heavy shoulders really do give me away. talking about it should help but it just makes me sad. sleep helps once i get there. the crying myself to sleep isn't enjoyable but at some point, when i'm done for that time, i reach a state of calm and drift off. sleep is really the only retreat i have right now. everything else reminds me of what's wrong. things of his that are still in my apartment, certain places i walk by, the little scratch on my hand he gave me when we were play fighting one day. it's all so overwhelming and all i can do is cry regardless of how hard i try not to.

i didn't do anything wrong. he just wants to worry about himself and not be accountable to anyone else. i bought three bags of grapes the other day thinking that he would be over at some point this week to have some. now i just have a shit load of grapes in the fridge.

my stomach feels unsettled all the time. i haven't eaten much more than grapes and bread when i'm at work. i ate a lot of oyster crackers at work last night. i don't know if i was actually hungry but they were the only thing that appealed to me. this isn't good for me and it's only a matter of time before my body makes me pay for the lack of food i've ingested lately.

i thought being with someone for so long would be good. we were happy at some point but that point passed. i stopped being happy because i felt neglected and ignored. he stopped being happy because he realized he didn't want to be responsible for his actions. i just want to be together and to be happy again.

there is always something there to remind me

i have a fucked up knee. the first time i injured it i was in the eighth grade and i was playing tennis in the school yard with my cousin. i went for a back hand and my body turned with the follow through but my actual foot didn't moving therefore initially jarring my ligaments.

as i was a stubborn child, i refused to really rest my injury properly and as my parents are "old-school" when it comes to medicine, they took me to a tradition practitioner of chinese medicine, i never went to the physiotherapy that i probably should have. volleyball was far more important than resting an injury longer than two-three games. chinese medicine is far superior to western medicine. over a decade later and my knee is forever fucked up.

i got on the bus today and i stepped up into the rear seating area and i sat down. the bus was not moving. it wasn't crowded. i didn't get pushed. i just sat down. then my knee jarred up. for the first time in nearly three years. thus far, nothing more has come of it than the sudden spike in my heart rate (*knock on wood*). i will lay off for the next few days and most likely wear a brace at work for a few shifts. but it's canada and it's icy out.

i normally feel physically fine. pain in my knee isn't something i experience all that much anymore. but i'm afraid of puddles. i'm afraid of grease. i'm afraid of hair conditioner residue in the tub. i'm afraid of horseplay. i'm afraid that i will lose my mobility. i'm afraid of twigs and pens rolling around on uneven ground. i'm afraid of a lot of things and not a day goes by that i don't remember that i'm afraid of them.

every body else is doing it

well, that's not entirely true as i've only read two of my friends' blogs that they've done this in. and what is it that those two friends have done, you ask? blog about their NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS!! so let's start my list (in no particular order).

1. reach my goal weight of 120 lbs
my goal weight last year was 125 lbs but then i bought a scale and found out that i had already went down from 140 to 130 therefore i figured another five pounds wouldn't be all that hard to drop. to help me reach this goal, i've started using thedailyplate.com. i've tried just writing down what i ate many times before but this site breaks down the calorie intake of all the food you eat and really lets you know how much you're consuming. one thing i learned recently: no more big pots of homemade tomato meat sauce for my spaghetti. clocking in at 669 calories per serving, that's more that half of my daily caloric needs in order to lose weight. i've also stopped eating at work simply because i'm bored. now i'm chugging water and dying for bathroom breaks all throughout my shift. fun times!

2. be more disciplined in my spending
along with my food log, i've been saving receipts and writing down what i've been spending for the past few months now. although december was a bit of a write off as i got way to busy/tired with work and all the social festivities that december demands of you.

my dining out has been reduced by a fair bit mostly because i'm trying to lose weight and i'm eating at home more so i know what i'm actually ingesting. i haven't been to the jason george nearly as often as last year. i just haven't been in the mood to go out after work lately and i'd rather not drink a days worth of calories. the last time i went out i nursed maybe two drinks and then switched to soda. just didn't feel like boozing it up.

i've also cut back on being a lazy bitch and started walking to work. the extra 15 minutes of sleep may be nice in the morning but it sure sucks finding out how much you spent on cabs to work in a month when you only live a 20 minute walk away.

3. pay off all commercial debt
that was a major goal last year and i paid off (and cancelled) my hbc card and i'm well on my way to paying off my rbc visa but my cibc visa still looms heavily over my head. i need to get my gym membership transfered either to my rbc visa or have it taken out of my bank account instead of my cibc visa. i feel like i make progress in paying it off but then the monthly charge gets tacked on and it makes two payments seem in vain once you add on interest.

4. and that brings us to fitness...
so i have this gym membership that i've done nothing with in the last, lets see, forever? the last time i went to the gym was probably four to five months ago and i was doing really well with going three to four times a week and then all of a sudden i stopped. don't really know why, but i did. now i need to be my ass back there. it's not like it's ridiculously out of the way. i'm just a lazy bitch. must get into a routine of going to the gym before or after work. i need to tone my arms and just tone up over all especially since i have a trip planned to mexico at the end of february and a wedding to go to in april. and for all i know, my sister-in-law could show up at any point with the possibility of having a wedding reception. and asian people are jerks and bitches when it comes to pointing out how fat or thin people are.

5. be less judgemental
i think i'm okay with this but i know i could be better. stop making fun of people for just being them. stop scolding them in my head. stop making people feel bad just to make myself feel better. just stop all that nonsense.

i'll stop at five for now. maybe i'll add more later.

streaming me

oh what a day it has been. got a talking to today because i ordered too much food for a table and they called back to complain. not contesting that at all because i did feel bad about how much food i brought back from the table. no official letter but a warning. i'm not sure if it will be a "severe" warning but a warning none the less. i must be more consistent at work. one minute i am small praises, the next i blank out and get a talking to. that will be my "professional/business" goal for this year: be consistent. the captain's table loved me today. every time i walked up to them there was one lady either talking about vaginas, sex, or pretending that she was from another country and talking with an accent with her pashmina wrapped around her head like a turban. to each there one.

what the hell is with all the chicks walking around with cropped leggings and boots that don't meet up with said leggings? i wore leggings today thinking that it was warming enough out but it wasn't. i wasn't freezing by any means, but serious ladies, it is way to cold out to have bare, or partial bare, legs right now. and it also looks a little funny but i'd be more concerned about the frostbite factor than the fashion factor.

i didn't plan my meals out very well this week. i currently have two salmon fillets marinating in pc teriyaki marinade, a pound of lean ground beef in the fridge, and not enough veggies to accompany one meal. i think i'll have one of the fillets with salad for dinner but after that i'm not really sure what i'm going to do with the rest of it. i will make a meat sauce at some point but i need to make sure that i'm going to eat it all as i didn't like what happened to the last batch that i froze. they didn't taste weird or anything but i didn't really plan well for those either and they took forever to defrost whenever i was in the mood for pasta.

the bf and i have decided that we will do our christmas gift exchange this sunday. i suppose it's about time but i haven't gotten very much for him yet. as i got him and xbox360 for his birthday last year, there isn't much i can to do top that and his parents got him a laptop so there really isn't much i can do to top that. except take him to mexico but that's not happening. maybe in another year or so but not right now. but it would be nice to go away together.

mimi is doing a fabulous job of researching resorts to go to at the end of february. i feel like i really should plan the trips for the next two years as i have done very little research for our warm getaway this year and i didn't diddly squat for nyc this year. must start planning now. too spoiled with tour guide claudia and trip planning mimi. must do some of the work myself. so much easier when others do it for you.

enough stream of consciousness for now. maybe later.