one more before i go

teddy and mimi should be at my door in about 20 minutes and i'm wolfing down some bbq duck and rice. i am going to sleep extremely well on the plane because
a) i didn't get much sleep last night
b) i played two really fun games of volleyball and i'm physically tired
c) i sleep really well on moving vehicles (i'll probably fall asleep on the ride to the airport)
d) b-rad let me borrow his ipod so i'm going to zone out to his chill-out tunes

i've been requested to bring back a sombrero, tequila, a mask, and a picture of mimi with a sexy man with one of his nuts hanging out of his speedo. i'm also going to try and load up on jewelry because i don't have that much and i hear it's cheap in mexico.

really excited now!!! i hope there aren't any smelly people near me on the plane and that it's really empty. it would be lovely to have a row of seats to myself.

see you all in a week!! =) and don't be surprised if i'm super tanned.

and they all put me back together again

i spent fours days being sadder than i ever thought i could be. but more importantly, for four days a bunch of people let me cry, listened to me, offered advice, and helped me not be sad anymore. i cried a couple of times in the last two days but it was because i received notes and messages from people who really care about me. a poem from mimi, a hug from jen, a note from john, a squeeze of the shoulder from eamon/mike/holiday, multiple girl chat sessions with lauren. alex answered the phone and let me cry even though we hadn't spoken or seen each other in nearly a year. mutual friends that listened to both sides of the story and didn't take sides. just simple gestures that let me know that things get better and there are people there to lean on when needed.

the last few notes were therapeutic. putting what i felt on paper(screen) helped me cope with the overwhelming emotion. the sting is gone. things don't make me sad anymore. they just remind me of happy times and funny things and they make smile. how boring would it be in things were just things with no sentiment?

i still get a bit teary eyed thinking about the nice notes that i received but that's a good thing. the kitchen staff said "welcome back wanda" after i walked yesterday and just started yelling nonsense. apparently that's how you can tell i'm out of a funk - i become overly imposing and loud.

so thank you to all of my friends that took the time to check up on me. you have no idea how much it means to me. you are amazing and i love each and every one of you.

not so brave anymore

yesterday was filled with sporadic episodes of crying at work. people there know now but it doesn't really help because they all look at me with sad eyes and it just makes me want to cry more. i just want someone to hold me and rock me in a corner and let me cry until i can't cry anymore.

i can be fixed

the queen street fire has been put out and residents have been allowed back to the ruins. i walked by it twice yesterday and both times the feeling i got was the same feeling i got when looking over ground zero in new york. this pictures make me realize that i am lucky and there really isn't anything that can't be repaired in my world.

time will help. talking about it helps a lot too. i finally told some people at work and lauren and i went for drinks and girl talk after work last night. i'm waiting for the sadness to go away and for the anger and acceptance to come. i talked to eliza just now and she didn't tell me to "get well soon" because she knows it will take longer than i want it to.

i didn't cry before falling asleep yesterday. maybe it was the guiness. i ate a random mish mash of food at work yesterday to lay down a liner for drinking and i ended up waking up with stomach pains and grumblings all throughout the night. still, it wasn't a bad night.

i uploaded pictures from the last night gareth and i were out with some friends. he probably will be annoyed that i posted them because we're very much a couple in those pictures still but i don't care. i needed to get them off of my camera and i wanted to posted them. i guess i just needed to know that we were together and happy and the entire facebook world needs to know that too. it was good therapy just to get them posted. blogging is really good therapy right now too.

i think i'm getting happier again. i'm not crying so that must mean i'm getting happier. even if that's not true, i'll keep telling myself that until it is.

the tears are drying

the sinking feeling in my stomach hasn't gone away yet but the tears are starting to try up. we're taking a break right now but from the way it sounds, the break will probably be indefinite. who knows, it's anyone's guess.

tat and peter broke up for a short while because peter was going through some stuff so that may be what gareth is going through right now. may be we will get back together after he settles in. i don't know if i should be holding my breath or not. the thought of dating and actively looking again makes me a bit ill. maybe that's just because i'm still reeling a bit from the past few days.

i cried a little bit before taking a shower today and bit last night before falling asleep. maybe a few more days and i'll be back to my optimistic self. work is a bit hard right now because i haven't told anyone what's going on and every body's joking around normally and it's hard to laugh and smile with them.

my bed feels really empty. i got it when we were already dating so there was always a "my half" and a "your half". i'm taking his things back to him on sunday. a few t-shirts. a couple of books. a toothbrush. the little things that are around that shows that you're in a relationship. those will all be gone on sunday.

how do i get rid of the feelings that linger? if only those could be easily put in a bag and returned. but i can't really return them to him after all, they're my feelings, not his. he doesn't have the same feelings as i do. he doesn't feel heart broken. i hope he feels sad that it's ending. i hope he understands how horrible i feel. i hope he has fond memories. i hope the hurt will go away soon so i can smile without having to force it.

i want him to fill the emptiness i'm feeling. i want that emptiness to go away.

bland foods taste good right now

the past three days or so have been rather shitty. i'm fighting with my boyfriend who i actually don't know is still my boyfriend or not. i was trying on dresses to go to a wedding with him and then i called to talk some stuff out. that wedding can probably be crossed of my calendar of events as it's his friend that's getting married.

i have no idea what went wrong and when. i'm trying to be calm but the stretches of calm are being interrupted with tears. i've found a strange comfort in sleeping as close to the wall as possible. maybe it's because having a few pillows propped up it makes me feel as though someone is there offering comfort. it's hard right now.

people at work are sensing that something is wrong. even acquaintances have inquired. maybe my heavy shoulders really do give me away. talking about it should help but it just makes me sad. sleep helps once i get there. the crying myself to sleep isn't enjoyable but at some point, when i'm done for that time, i reach a state of calm and drift off. sleep is really the only retreat i have right now. everything else reminds me of what's wrong. things of his that are still in my apartment, certain places i walk by, the little scratch on my hand he gave me when we were play fighting one day. it's all so overwhelming and all i can do is cry regardless of how hard i try not to.

i didn't do anything wrong. he just wants to worry about himself and not be accountable to anyone else. i bought three bags of grapes the other day thinking that he would be over at some point this week to have some. now i just have a shit load of grapes in the fridge.

my stomach feels unsettled all the time. i haven't eaten much more than grapes and bread when i'm at work. i ate a lot of oyster crackers at work last night. i don't know if i was actually hungry but they were the only thing that appealed to me. this isn't good for me and it's only a matter of time before my body makes me pay for the lack of food i've ingested lately.

i thought being with someone for so long would be good. we were happy at some point but that point passed. i stopped being happy because i felt neglected and ignored. he stopped being happy because he realized he didn't want to be responsible for his actions. i just want to be together and to be happy again.

there is always something there to remind me

i have a fucked up knee. the first time i injured it i was in the eighth grade and i was playing tennis in the school yard with my cousin. i went for a back hand and my body turned with the follow through but my actual foot didn't moving therefore initially jarring my ligaments.

as i was a stubborn child, i refused to really rest my injury properly and as my parents are "old-school" when it comes to medicine, they took me to a tradition practitioner of chinese medicine, i never went to the physiotherapy that i probably should have. volleyball was far more important than resting an injury longer than two-three games. chinese medicine is far superior to western medicine. over a decade later and my knee is forever fucked up.

i got on the bus today and i stepped up into the rear seating area and i sat down. the bus was not moving. it wasn't crowded. i didn't get pushed. i just sat down. then my knee jarred up. for the first time in nearly three years. thus far, nothing more has come of it than the sudden spike in my heart rate (*knock on wood*). i will lay off for the next few days and most likely wear a brace at work for a few shifts. but it's canada and it's icy out.

i normally feel physically fine. pain in my knee isn't something i experience all that much anymore. but i'm afraid of puddles. i'm afraid of grease. i'm afraid of hair conditioner residue in the tub. i'm afraid of horseplay. i'm afraid that i will lose my mobility. i'm afraid of twigs and pens rolling around on uneven ground. i'm afraid of a lot of things and not a day goes by that i don't remember that i'm afraid of them.