Day 5

Day 5 of my 30 days to curing a broken heart and Day 3 of the U.S. Open. The last two days have been good. Some tears welled up, but I forced myself to hold them in since crying would mean breaking rules from Day 3.

Day 4 involved buying a new journal and writing how about how I'm feeling for no less than 15 minutes, and then writing about how I'm feeling about him for no less than 15 minutes. I was surprised how easy it was to write continuously for over 15 minutes. My hand was cramping by the time I was done with writing about my feelings. I think that's part of the reason the book says to write for 15 minutes. By the time you're done writing about you, your hand is cramping, your brain is somewhat exhausted, and you really don't want to think about more feelings and write them down. In addition to writing about my feelings and my feelings about him, Day 5 has me "being my own best friend." Now when I write, I am to include all negative lines that I direct at myself and leave a space in between each line. I am then to go back to the first line once I'm done listing these negative thoughts and write a reply to them as if it were my best friend saying those things about herself.

For example:

Negative line:
I will never find anyone who will love me.

Response:
That is a lie. There is someone out there who will love you more than you can imagine. You just have to kiss a bunch of ugly frogs before you find him.

I need to decide when I will write daily for the next 25 days. I figure it's best to get into a routine and write at the same time daily, but with school and work starting up again, I don't know if that will be possible. First thing in the morning will not work because I have 8 a.m. classes. Before bed would work, in theory, but considering that I will sometimes have to work until 1 a.m. and then go to an 8 a.m. class, before bed will also be a no-go. I'll probably sneak in quiet journal time in between classes and shifts.

I am now watching the U.S. Open live and I am LOVING it. I don't have cable hooked up yet so the lovely T.V. that I bought off of Bradley is just sitting there. I will get around to it soon. My plan for today was to set up the live stream from usopen.org and unpack the rest of my boxes and clean up the main floor of my apartment. So far, I have set up the live stream...

30 days

30 days. I have 30 days (according to this self-help book) to cure a broken heart. I feel so pathetic when I'm in the self-help aisle of a book store. Like I should have a giant bag of yarn and three pet cats with me. Regardless, I hit the depression stage of this most recent break-up over a month after the actual break-up. There are two sides to every story, but to be honest (which is part of the "healing" process), it all blew up because of something that I did. I had my reasons and they seemed right at the time, but as the old saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.

So I am now on Day 3 of said book and today was my last crying day. My eyes were intensely swollen over the last two days because I would sporadically cry and when I wasn't crying on my own, I watched sad movies to ensure a constant stream of tears. Hey, if I only get three days to cry, I made sure to compete with Niagara Falls. Yesterday was spent with family so there were no tears until I was home late a night.

This book is structured in a way that you only read one chapter per day of the 30 days. With each chapter, there are new rules that you are to put into place for the remaining days. Rules for Day 3:

Rule #1: No Contact
Easy enough. Oh wait, no contact also means no contact with his family, friends, coworkers, and anyone else I met through him. Um, uh....okay....two and a half years means there are a lot of friends in the picture...will do my best to adhere to this no contact rule. So if there are any of his friends reading this, I'm not being flaky and ignoring you, but I kind of am. Sorry, it has nothing to do with you. We'll catch up in October. I'm giving myself a pass on the people that I will see on the street due to the proximity of our work places. That is something that is totally out of my control.

Rule #2: Go Right Ahead, Think About Him
Obviously, this will happen. Here's how this rule goes: everything I think of him through rose tinted glass and remember him as being a loving person , I am also to come up with a memory of a time when he was unloving, inconsiderate, dismissive of me, rude to me, etc. This rule shouldn't be too hard to follow.

Rule #3: No Revenge!
It's crossed my mind. I could run a smear campaign. I could be an evil vindictive bitch. I choose not to.

Rule #4: No Driving Past His House or Work
I would be too digsusted with myself on how pathetic I would have to be to do this, so this won't be an issue. Once again, work is really close together so I'll be walking by it frequently just to get to where I'm going.

Rule #5: Avoid His Usual Hangouts
Looks like after school drinks will be at Betty's for the first month. I am slightly irritated that this place was actually my usual hangout first and now I'm avoiding it.

Rule #6: Every Day, every Night, an Affirmation
This is what the book says to repeat every morning:

I have the power to transform today's pain into tomorrow's wisdom, and I love myself enough to choose to do exactly that. There is joy waiting for me. I deserve it. And I will be healthy enough to recognize and embrace it when it comes, and know that if this is what it took to find it, it was worth all this and more.

Okay, now I feel really pathetic...but I'm not crying =)