Wednesday, February 20, 2008

bland foods taste good right now

the past three days or so have been rather shitty. i'm fighting with my boyfriend who i actually don't know is still my boyfriend or not. i was trying on dresses to go to a wedding with him and then i called to talk some stuff out. that wedding can probably be crossed of my calendar of events as it's his friend that's getting married.

i have no idea what went wrong and when. i'm trying to be calm but the stretches of calm are being interrupted with tears. i've found a strange comfort in sleeping as close to the wall as possible. maybe it's because having a few pillows propped up it makes me feel as though someone is there offering comfort. it's hard right now.

people at work are sensing that something is wrong. even acquaintances have inquired. maybe my heavy shoulders really do give me away. talking about it should help but it just makes me sad. sleep helps once i get there. the crying myself to sleep isn't enjoyable but at some point, when i'm done for that time, i reach a state of calm and drift off. sleep is really the only retreat i have right now. everything else reminds me of what's wrong. things of his that are still in my apartment, certain places i walk by, the little scratch on my hand he gave me when we were play fighting one day. it's all so overwhelming and all i can do is cry regardless of how hard i try not to.

i didn't do anything wrong. he just wants to worry about himself and not be accountable to anyone else. i bought three bags of grapes the other day thinking that he would be over at some point this week to have some. now i just have a shit load of grapes in the fridge.

my stomach feels unsettled all the time. i haven't eaten much more than grapes and bread when i'm at work. i ate a lot of oyster crackers at work last night. i don't know if i was actually hungry but they were the only thing that appealed to me. this isn't good for me and it's only a matter of time before my body makes me pay for the lack of food i've ingested lately.

i thought being with someone for so long would be good. we were happy at some point but that point passed. i stopped being happy because i felt neglected and ignored. he stopped being happy because he realized he didn't want to be responsible for his actions. i just want to be together and to be happy again.

No comments: