the tears are drying

the sinking feeling in my stomach hasn't gone away yet but the tears are starting to try up. we're taking a break right now but from the way it sounds, the break will probably be indefinite. who knows, it's anyone's guess.

tat and peter broke up for a short while because peter was going through some stuff so that may be what gareth is going through right now. may be we will get back together after he settles in. i don't know if i should be holding my breath or not. the thought of dating and actively looking again makes me a bit ill. maybe that's just because i'm still reeling a bit from the past few days.

i cried a little bit before taking a shower today and bit last night before falling asleep. maybe a few more days and i'll be back to my optimistic self. work is a bit hard right now because i haven't told anyone what's going on and every body's joking around normally and it's hard to laugh and smile with them.

my bed feels really empty. i got it when we were already dating so there was always a "my half" and a "your half". i'm taking his things back to him on sunday. a few t-shirts. a couple of books. a toothbrush. the little things that are around that shows that you're in a relationship. those will all be gone on sunday.

how do i get rid of the feelings that linger? if only those could be easily put in a bag and returned. but i can't really return them to him after all, they're my feelings, not his. he doesn't have the same feelings as i do. he doesn't feel heart broken. i hope he feels sad that it's ending. i hope he understands how horrible i feel. i hope he has fond memories. i hope the hurt will go away soon so i can smile without having to force it.

i want him to fill the emptiness i'm feeling. i want that emptiness to go away.