happy dance

courtesy of the government of canada. well, i'm not literally doing a happy dance but it was still a nice unexpected surprise. i thought that i stopped getting a gst credit because i used to get cheques every four months or so but i received nothing this year. maybe it's because i just filed my taxes for 2006 and 2007 this year. regardless, i am up a bit of cash that will help me pay off my commercial debt. stupid shopping.

why don't they just do that at home?

there are a few women at the gym who don't use any of the equipment there. all they do is get changed in the locker room, go to the stretching area, and do random yoga poses. none of them do any of the poses in a sequence that makes sense. they do not lift weights. they do not run. they do not bike. they just stay in the stretching area.

the stretching area is just a carpeted space that is probably 8 feet by 8 feet. do they not have 8 feet by 8 feet of carpeted space in their homes? they don't even use all 64 square feet of the area. they just stay mostly on the yoga mat.

so why don't they just do that at home? why do they pay $50/month to go to a gym and not use ANY of the equipment? i don't comprehend.

steady as she goes

i've decided that this year i am finally going to run the cibc run for the cure. after three years of registering for the race and not actually running it, it's time to go for it. since coming back from mexico, i've been going to the gym regularly mostly because i realized i was throwing away money by paying for a membership that i wasn't using. it didn't hurt that i had a slew of personal training sessions that i had paid for but hadn't used yet either.

i did a lot of cross country running as a kid in carberry but i didn't keep it up after moving back to toronto. the whole team sports thing took over and running along didn't seem nearly as appealing. i remember being able to run 4km in about 20 minutes so i'm hoping to be able to run 5km in 30 minutes come october. i'm slowing adding minutes to my run on the treadmill at the gym but i know it's different running outside on concrete. i hope my knee can handle it.

i'm starting to play volleyball again, which i'm SUPER excited about, and it feels so good be on the court again. i would love to work on my hitting but if there are two guys on the team that are both a good 8 inches taller than me, maybe i'll leave the hitting up to them and work on my setting.

i really don't feel like going to the gym right now but i've started putting little heart stickers on my calendar for every day i go. i haven't set up a "reward system" for myself with said stickers yet but i'm thinking something along the lines of "12 stickers in 14 days and get can buy a new purse/pair of shoes/dress/etc..." i will report back after i get to 12 stickers.

i don´t want to go home, dammit!

tomorrow is my last full day in mexico. i wish i could extend my stay but alas, that is not meant to be. i have purchased more things than i had anticipated so later tonight i must play a game of tetris with my suitcase. i hope nothing breaks or gets crushed on the way back.

i am brown. very, very brown. my nose is a little red but for the most part, my minor sun burn has healed and now i´m just nicely toasted all over. well, not ALL over as i did not do any nude sun bathing.

the ocean kicked my ass. the waves are unusually high and we haven´t been able to swim in the ocean for the past three days so it´s all been pool swimming. when we were allowed to swim in the pacific, the tide keep pushing and pulling me about and throwing me into the beach. it isn´t so bad except that the sand is really rough and it feels like i´m getting slammed into sand paper. and you also end up with a bikini bottom full of sand. and let me tell you, it´s the best feeling ever!! NOT!!! but i still want to swim in the ocean one last time before leaving. even if it means i´ll be taking some mexican sand home with me. i also discovered that boogie boarding is harder than it looks and it can also cause some physically pain meaning that the boogie board kicked my ass too.

no more mexican "food babies" after tomorrow =( i keep stuffing myself with way more food than i need. some of the desserts are funny textured but i suppose that´s a good thing because it keeps me from eating them. the girls i am with will be heading in town very soon and we will be stuffing our faces with some super duper delicious tacos. $2.50 for 5 tacos!! and the ice cream palour in town is so yummy. if i could bring back ice cream bars for everyone, i would.

now i must plan my next trip. i think i´m going to take my mama to boston...we´ll see...

now, if everyone could please do a little weather dance of some sort and make sure that it´s nice and clear when i get back, it would be greatly appreciated!! =)

one more before i go

teddy and mimi should be at my door in about 20 minutes and i'm wolfing down some bbq duck and rice. i am going to sleep extremely well on the plane because
a) i didn't get much sleep last night
b) i played two really fun games of volleyball and i'm physically tired
c) i sleep really well on moving vehicles (i'll probably fall asleep on the ride to the airport)
d) b-rad let me borrow his ipod so i'm going to zone out to his chill-out tunes

i've been requested to bring back a sombrero, tequila, a mask, and a picture of mimi with a sexy man with one of his nuts hanging out of his speedo. i'm also going to try and load up on jewelry because i don't have that much and i hear it's cheap in mexico.

really excited now!!! i hope there aren't any smelly people near me on the plane and that it's really empty. it would be lovely to have a row of seats to myself.

see you all in a week!! =) and don't be surprised if i'm super tanned.

and they all put me back together again

i spent fours days being sadder than i ever thought i could be. but more importantly, for four days a bunch of people let me cry, listened to me, offered advice, and helped me not be sad anymore. i cried a couple of times in the last two days but it was because i received notes and messages from people who really care about me. a poem from mimi, a hug from jen, a note from john, a squeeze of the shoulder from eamon/mike/holiday, multiple girl chat sessions with lauren. alex answered the phone and let me cry even though we hadn't spoken or seen each other in nearly a year. mutual friends that listened to both sides of the story and didn't take sides. just simple gestures that let me know that things get better and there are people there to lean on when needed.

the last few notes were therapeutic. putting what i felt on paper(screen) helped me cope with the overwhelming emotion. the sting is gone. things don't make me sad anymore. they just remind me of happy times and funny things and they make smile. how boring would it be in things were just things with no sentiment?

i still get a bit teary eyed thinking about the nice notes that i received but that's a good thing. the kitchen staff said "welcome back wanda" after i walked yesterday and just started yelling nonsense. apparently that's how you can tell i'm out of a funk - i become overly imposing and loud.

so thank you to all of my friends that took the time to check up on me. you have no idea how much it means to me. you are amazing and i love each and every one of you.

not so brave anymore

yesterday was filled with sporadic episodes of crying at work. people there know now but it doesn't really help because they all look at me with sad eyes and it just makes me want to cry more. i just want someone to hold me and rock me in a corner and let me cry until i can't cry anymore.

i can be fixed

the queen street fire has been put out and residents have been allowed back to the ruins. i walked by it twice yesterday and both times the feeling i got was the same feeling i got when looking over ground zero in new york. this pictures make me realize that i am lucky and there really isn't anything that can't be repaired in my world.

time will help. talking about it helps a lot too. i finally told some people at work and lauren and i went for drinks and girl talk after work last night. i'm waiting for the sadness to go away and for the anger and acceptance to come. i talked to eliza just now and she didn't tell me to "get well soon" because she knows it will take longer than i want it to.

i didn't cry before falling asleep yesterday. maybe it was the guiness. i ate a random mish mash of food at work yesterday to lay down a liner for drinking and i ended up waking up with stomach pains and grumblings all throughout the night. still, it wasn't a bad night.

i uploaded pictures from the last night gareth and i were out with some friends. he probably will be annoyed that i posted them because we're very much a couple in those pictures still but i don't care. i needed to get them off of my camera and i wanted to posted them. i guess i just needed to know that we were together and happy and the entire facebook world needs to know that too. it was good therapy just to get them posted. blogging is really good therapy right now too.

i think i'm getting happier again. i'm not crying so that must mean i'm getting happier. even if that's not true, i'll keep telling myself that until it is.

the tears are drying

the sinking feeling in my stomach hasn't gone away yet but the tears are starting to try up. we're taking a break right now but from the way it sounds, the break will probably be indefinite. who knows, it's anyone's guess.

tat and peter broke up for a short while because peter was going through some stuff so that may be what gareth is going through right now. may be we will get back together after he settles in. i don't know if i should be holding my breath or not. the thought of dating and actively looking again makes me a bit ill. maybe that's just because i'm still reeling a bit from the past few days.

i cried a little bit before taking a shower today and bit last night before falling asleep. maybe a few more days and i'll be back to my optimistic self. work is a bit hard right now because i haven't told anyone what's going on and every body's joking around normally and it's hard to laugh and smile with them.

my bed feels really empty. i got it when we were already dating so there was always a "my half" and a "your half". i'm taking his things back to him on sunday. a few t-shirts. a couple of books. a toothbrush. the little things that are around that shows that you're in a relationship. those will all be gone on sunday.

how do i get rid of the feelings that linger? if only those could be easily put in a bag and returned. but i can't really return them to him after all, they're my feelings, not his. he doesn't have the same feelings as i do. he doesn't feel heart broken. i hope he feels sad that it's ending. i hope he understands how horrible i feel. i hope he has fond memories. i hope the hurt will go away soon so i can smile without having to force it.

i want him to fill the emptiness i'm feeling. i want that emptiness to go away.

bland foods taste good right now

the past three days or so have been rather shitty. i'm fighting with my boyfriend who i actually don't know is still my boyfriend or not. i was trying on dresses to go to a wedding with him and then i called to talk some stuff out. that wedding can probably be crossed of my calendar of events as it's his friend that's getting married.

i have no idea what went wrong and when. i'm trying to be calm but the stretches of calm are being interrupted with tears. i've found a strange comfort in sleeping as close to the wall as possible. maybe it's because having a few pillows propped up it makes me feel as though someone is there offering comfort. it's hard right now.

people at work are sensing that something is wrong. even acquaintances have inquired. maybe my heavy shoulders really do give me away. talking about it should help but it just makes me sad. sleep helps once i get there. the crying myself to sleep isn't enjoyable but at some point, when i'm done for that time, i reach a state of calm and drift off. sleep is really the only retreat i have right now. everything else reminds me of what's wrong. things of his that are still in my apartment, certain places i walk by, the little scratch on my hand he gave me when we were play fighting one day. it's all so overwhelming and all i can do is cry regardless of how hard i try not to.

i didn't do anything wrong. he just wants to worry about himself and not be accountable to anyone else. i bought three bags of grapes the other day thinking that he would be over at some point this week to have some. now i just have a shit load of grapes in the fridge.

my stomach feels unsettled all the time. i haven't eaten much more than grapes and bread when i'm at work. i ate a lot of oyster crackers at work last night. i don't know if i was actually hungry but they were the only thing that appealed to me. this isn't good for me and it's only a matter of time before my body makes me pay for the lack of food i've ingested lately.

i thought being with someone for so long would be good. we were happy at some point but that point passed. i stopped being happy because i felt neglected and ignored. he stopped being happy because he realized he didn't want to be responsible for his actions. i just want to be together and to be happy again.

there is always something there to remind me

i have a fucked up knee. the first time i injured it i was in the eighth grade and i was playing tennis in the school yard with my cousin. i went for a back hand and my body turned with the follow through but my actual foot didn't moving therefore initially jarring my ligaments.

as i was a stubborn child, i refused to really rest my injury properly and as my parents are "old-school" when it comes to medicine, they took me to a tradition practitioner of chinese medicine, i never went to the physiotherapy that i probably should have. volleyball was far more important than resting an injury longer than two-three games. chinese medicine is far superior to western medicine. over a decade later and my knee is forever fucked up.

i got on the bus today and i stepped up into the rear seating area and i sat down. the bus was not moving. it wasn't crowded. i didn't get pushed. i just sat down. then my knee jarred up. for the first time in nearly three years. thus far, nothing more has come of it than the sudden spike in my heart rate (*knock on wood*). i will lay off for the next few days and most likely wear a brace at work for a few shifts. but it's canada and it's icy out.

i normally feel physically fine. pain in my knee isn't something i experience all that much anymore. but i'm afraid of puddles. i'm afraid of grease. i'm afraid of hair conditioner residue in the tub. i'm afraid of horseplay. i'm afraid that i will lose my mobility. i'm afraid of twigs and pens rolling around on uneven ground. i'm afraid of a lot of things and not a day goes by that i don't remember that i'm afraid of them.

every body else is doing it

well, that's not entirely true as i've only read two of my friends' blogs that they've done this in. and what is it that those two friends have done, you ask? blog about their NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS!! so let's start my list (in no particular order).

1. reach my goal weight of 120 lbs
my goal weight last year was 125 lbs but then i bought a scale and found out that i had already went down from 140 to 130 therefore i figured another five pounds wouldn't be all that hard to drop. to help me reach this goal, i've started using thedailyplate.com. i've tried just writing down what i ate many times before but this site breaks down the calorie intake of all the food you eat and really lets you know how much you're consuming. one thing i learned recently: no more big pots of homemade tomato meat sauce for my spaghetti. clocking in at 669 calories per serving, that's more that half of my daily caloric needs in order to lose weight. i've also stopped eating at work simply because i'm bored. now i'm chugging water and dying for bathroom breaks all throughout my shift. fun times!

2. be more disciplined in my spending
along with my food log, i've been saving receipts and writing down what i've been spending for the past few months now. although december was a bit of a write off as i got way to busy/tired with work and all the social festivities that december demands of you.

my dining out has been reduced by a fair bit mostly because i'm trying to lose weight and i'm eating at home more so i know what i'm actually ingesting. i haven't been to the jason george nearly as often as last year. i just haven't been in the mood to go out after work lately and i'd rather not drink a days worth of calories. the last time i went out i nursed maybe two drinks and then switched to soda. just didn't feel like boozing it up.

i've also cut back on being a lazy bitch and started walking to work. the extra 15 minutes of sleep may be nice in the morning but it sure sucks finding out how much you spent on cabs to work in a month when you only live a 20 minute walk away.

3. pay off all commercial debt
that was a major goal last year and i paid off (and cancelled) my hbc card and i'm well on my way to paying off my rbc visa but my cibc visa still looms heavily over my head. i need to get my gym membership transfered either to my rbc visa or have it taken out of my bank account instead of my cibc visa. i feel like i make progress in paying it off but then the monthly charge gets tacked on and it makes two payments seem in vain once you add on interest.

4. and that brings us to fitness...
so i have this gym membership that i've done nothing with in the last, lets see, forever? the last time i went to the gym was probably four to five months ago and i was doing really well with going three to four times a week and then all of a sudden i stopped. don't really know why, but i did. now i need to be my ass back there. it's not like it's ridiculously out of the way. i'm just a lazy bitch. must get into a routine of going to the gym before or after work. i need to tone my arms and just tone up over all especially since i have a trip planned to mexico at the end of february and a wedding to go to in april. and for all i know, my sister-in-law could show up at any point with the possibility of having a wedding reception. and asian people are jerks and bitches when it comes to pointing out how fat or thin people are.

5. be less judgemental
i think i'm okay with this but i know i could be better. stop making fun of people for just being them. stop scolding them in my head. stop making people feel bad just to make myself feel better. just stop all that nonsense.

i'll stop at five for now. maybe i'll add more later.

streaming me

oh what a day it has been. got a talking to today because i ordered too much food for a table and they called back to complain. not contesting that at all because i did feel bad about how much food i brought back from the table. no official letter but a warning. i'm not sure if it will be a "severe" warning but a warning none the less. i must be more consistent at work. one minute i am small praises, the next i blank out and get a talking to. that will be my "professional/business" goal for this year: be consistent. the captain's table loved me today. every time i walked up to them there was one lady either talking about vaginas, sex, or pretending that she was from another country and talking with an accent with her pashmina wrapped around her head like a turban. to each there one.

what the hell is with all the chicks walking around with cropped leggings and boots that don't meet up with said leggings? i wore leggings today thinking that it was warming enough out but it wasn't. i wasn't freezing by any means, but serious ladies, it is way to cold out to have bare, or partial bare, legs right now. and it also looks a little funny but i'd be more concerned about the frostbite factor than the fashion factor.

i didn't plan my meals out very well this week. i currently have two salmon fillets marinating in pc teriyaki marinade, a pound of lean ground beef in the fridge, and not enough veggies to accompany one meal. i think i'll have one of the fillets with salad for dinner but after that i'm not really sure what i'm going to do with the rest of it. i will make a meat sauce at some point but i need to make sure that i'm going to eat it all as i didn't like what happened to the last batch that i froze. they didn't taste weird or anything but i didn't really plan well for those either and they took forever to defrost whenever i was in the mood for pasta.

the bf and i have decided that we will do our christmas gift exchange this sunday. i suppose it's about time but i haven't gotten very much for him yet. as i got him and xbox360 for his birthday last year, there isn't much i can to do top that and his parents got him a laptop so there really isn't much i can do to top that. except take him to mexico but that's not happening. maybe in another year or so but not right now. but it would be nice to go away together.

mimi is doing a fabulous job of researching resorts to go to at the end of february. i feel like i really should plan the trips for the next two years as i have done very little research for our warm getaway this year and i didn't diddly squat for nyc this year. must start planning now. too spoiled with tour guide claudia and trip planning mimi. must do some of the work myself. so much easier when others do it for you.

enough stream of consciousness for now. maybe later.

the sh*t you write

i suppose this entry should be titles "the sh*t i write" as i have just read some of my entries dating as far back as 2004. i had totally forgotten the following:

1) i was capable of (and probably still am but no longer to feel the need to be) a big slut

2) i used to feel self-conscious for having freshly dyed pink hair. my actual words were "day-glo"

3) i'm really funny. i mean, i'm really funny.

4) how nice is was to live at home even though it drove me nuts. i'm still very happy that i moved out.

i'm glad i looked at those old posts. i definitely needed the laugh after a day of emotional turmoil. the waters have calmed and the boy now sees my point of view as i do his. no major earth shaking changes will happen but some changes will happen and hopefully things get better.

what's the use in trying?

that is pretty much i've been wondering since approximately 2:15am last night. i woke up multiple times in the middle of the night, angry and in want of a screaming match but i'm happy the screaming match didn't happen because i'm quite positive that i would have been spitting venom if it had. as i have just decided that i have better things to do today than feel irritated and upset, i'm going to get on with the rest of the day.

as i lay awake

for some reason i've been waking up multiple times in the middle of the night for the past couple of weeks. not really sure what it is but it's starting to really irritate me. it's not that i'm tired in the morning (because surprisingly, i'm not) but it's lying there in my bed WIDE AWAKE at three in the morning wondering if i will fall back asleep or if i'll just be awake from then on. i've stopped drinking caffeinated beverages after around seven o'clock and i've started a bedtime routine of reading before turning out the light. maybe i need to start putting ear plugs in again. my roommate goes to bed before i do so i don't see her making any loud sleep disrupting noises in the living room but maybe it's people out on the street. euclid is the only one way north for a couple of streets and a lot of cars like using it instead of bathurst. maybe they are the reason why i'm waking up at night.

stress & security

these two things don't really go together for me unless you're talking about my financial status. money in the bank? yes. money tucked away in a pretty little box? yes. CONSUMER DEBT? yes. bah. my glimmer of hope? a busy holiday season kicking up starting in probably a week or two. i make it sound so much worse than it really is. all i want is to be debt free come the end of the year. it shouldn't be all that hard if what people at work say about the holiday tips is true. i've decided that the money tucked away in the pretty box will be spent in nyc. the original plan was to spend it on a brand-spanking-new laptop but i may buy one in nyc so it'll all still work out.

now the real reason why i'm stressed:___________?? i don't really know. i have a bad habit of hunching up my shoulders for some reason and it makes them really tense when i do relax them. it's probably because i haven't gone for a massage in so long. maybe i'll go to sugar moon and get a massage, my brows done, and a facial. i've never had a facial but the last time i was at sugar moon, paola recommended one for me. hopefully that will alleviate some of my unexplainable stress.

as for the security, i feel very safe but i am wondering why my neighbours to the north have a security camera outside of their front door. when i lived at my mom's, there was a house a few blocks over with burglar bars on the living room bay window and two cameras pointed at their front door. i would walk by on the way home and sometimes on recycling day, their blue bin was full of empty captain morgan's rum mickies and two litre bottles of coke. i always thought it was weird but didn't really thing anything of it until the papers reported that it was head quarters for a prostitution ring rang by the couple that lived there. strange things happen in quiet neighbourhoods. i really hope my neighbours aren't running a prostitution ring.

colder than i want to be

...in a couple of ways:

1) my apartment is very cold and i'm wearing my first pair of knee socks this season.
2) i am somewhat incapable of expressing my emotions thus making me appear like a cold hearted bitch.

on number one, my hands are a bit cold making typing a bit more difficult than it normally is. i've been reading a book on super nutrition for women and it says that you can be cold because your diet is deficient in certain vitamins and minerals. or it could just be that my landlords really don't have any idea how to heat their house properly. the girls that lived here before us said that the place has good climate control but this summer was a bit trying and this prelude to winter doesn't look all that promising either.

on number two, i've become better at being less detached but i'm sure i still seem distant to some people. i'm going to chalk it up to my upbringing as my entire family is very unemotional. well, not my generation but all the adults. very little hugging and screaming but lots of laughter. it's not all bad.

"if you get yourself a good lawyer..."

was the words a man across the bar said to me today during my shift in regards to what he viewed as harassment by one of my more "less diplomatic" co-workers. i suppose if i really wanted to i could, but i don't so i won't. the temporary and sometimes amusing grief is something i can deal with at the moment and if the arrangement ever goes sours, i'll always know that i'll just need to get a good lawyer.

the urge always returns after a long hiatus

well here i am putting an entry into a blog that i haven't used since 2006. there was a stint on myspace but then facebook took over the world and i left the blogging world for quite some time. the urge to start again came back when i stumbled upon mimi's blog at livejournal. i think that blog was supposed to be a secret so i've stayed away from it since.

since my last blog in this site, i've started two new jobs, lost one of them, moved in with jen again, opened a "grown up" savings account, made and broken many brilliant plans and now i'm pacing my spending so i can go back to school in 2009. whether i go back for event planning or real estate is a decision that will come at a later time. oh, and i now have a lovely boyfriend named gareth. which reminds me, i still have to go to the market to pick up some lamb for dinner.

upcoming events:
1) nyc with mimi from november 29th to december 4th.
2) christmas!! i love wrapping presents!
3) some place warm and sunny in february with mimi and whoever else cares to join us/can afford to go at the same time as us.

other not so exciting events:
1) i have to schedule a routine cleaning with my dentist
2) i need to rearrange my bedroom furniture to optimize floor space (an event i've been planning for months)
3) i need to buy birthday presents for many people and i have no idea what to get them.

i now must go and check on my duck congee that's simmering on the stove. till the next post...